Rich and I go to the grocery store after work.
(BTW, I hate the grocery store. If I do go with
Rich, I usually sit in the car because I can't stand
it. Part of it is because those refrigerated sections
make me cold).

Anyway, there's this HUGE COW statue thing
on a trailer sitting in the parking lot by the door.
After making a few idol worship jokes to myself,
Rich and I got out of the car.

I walked right beside that cow, AND IT TALKED!
I said, "Oh, Wow, honey, the cow even talks!"
Then I looked up, and a little to the side of the store,
were two men. I couldn't see the one talking, but the other
was looking right at me. I held my hand up in a slight wave,
smiled sheepishly, and said to Rich,
"Oh...I guess it was those two guys talking over there."

People have said that I am confident. I am an extreme
extrovert, and I absolutely love people. At work, I make
sure to either talk to or, at the very least,
smile at whoever I walk by in the office.
I can go up to anyone on the street and talk
to them.

I have, in the past, considered myself a "smart" person.
The Lord finally showed me that the intelligence that I
did have was only a gifting from Him (and I don't think
I'm as smart as I thought I was back then). Anyway, I've
always done well wherever I've worked, and love to have
jobs where I have to think and figure things out, and where
there is always change and something new.

So, I get married to this prophet fellow who doesn't
hold back when it comes to areas that he sees in my
life in which I struggle. The last two
jobs that I've had--a short temp job when we first moved
to Michigan and the job I'm in now--I haven't had a lot
of responsibility. I haven't had a lot of challenges. I
haven't had a lot of contact with people.

In my current job, I am the secretary to our President/CEO.
Sometimes, I speak only a few words a day to him.
It is best to send him short messages over e-mail,
even though he has to walk through my office to go anywhere.
There's a lot of gossip in our office, and I try to stay
completely away from that. I have had a few ministry
opportunities at work here and there,
but I've really began to feel useless.

When I was first saved, I knew the Lord had a plan for me.
I was hopeless before, and then I had hope. Now, it seems
as if there is no plan for me. I'm in a job where I do redundant
things, and I have very little contact with people. We don't
live in town (which I do prefer), and we don't go anywhere.
Rich, my husband, does all the shopping, and so I basically go to work
and come home. We hardly ever go anywhere on the
weekends. I don't know anyone here, except for the
people I work with, my landlord & his wife, and Rich's
friends who live 2 hours away.

I've actually been depressed lately. I told Rich that
I need fellowship. I need to talk to people, but I don't
like talking much on the phone. "I need to get out
and be around people". Sometimes, he'll tell me
things, and I'll say "No, that's not it" only to find out
a few weeks later that it really was it. This last time,
it took a lot longer than a few weeks for it to set in.

The Lord showed me through all this that I don't need
to always look at the method of delivery, but listen
to the words that are being said. If I felt like Rich
was having a bad day, I figured he'd just say things
to me just because he was having a bad day; and so
I wouldn't really listen to him since he didn't seem
"spiritual" that day.

So, I've been severely depressed, and even one week,
after Rich's friends left, I would come home from work
and go to bed. I also would lay in bed way past the last
minute because I didn't want to go to work.
I told the Lord and Rich both that I felt like I was dying.

On the way home 2 days ago, I was thinking about
a woman at work. The Lord showed me how He has
been ministering to her through me, and He also
showed me how I just walked past her that day
(I went home) when I should have stayed because
she really wanted to show me a few things and
talk to me. I pulled in the driveway of my home,
and the Lord said, "You think you have nothing to offer."
It was so true. I do think that way, and that IS
the way it is.

I DO HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER!

I went in to explain it to Rich. I told him that the
whole time, I felt like I had nothing to offer, and
I really don't. It is only the Lord who is in me
that is doing the work. I've been looking for this
plan for my life, what the Lord may do through me,
and I felt useless because it seemed like nothing was
happening, and I felt like I had no future as far as
the ministry goes. I knew there was a selfishness in this,
but I never had the full revelation.

Rich told me that he felt like he may have hindered
me in some way because in the past, I would go
and talk to anyone on the street, and would always
minister to people. Now, I don't do any of that;
now I hold a lot of stuff in.

I said, that was true--I don't do that anymore. The
difference is, that in those times, I was going in my
own confidence (see how the extrovert comes into
play here?). Rich said, "and that is why you are in
the job you are in also--where you're not able to use
any of your skills."

It is like I needed to experience this dry time
so that the Lord could deal with me
about going in my own confidence, humble me, and
show me that any true, good, work will come from Him.
--NO PRESSURE--

I know this sound like any truth the normal Christian
should know, but it is one of those things that I have
had to fully experience to really, truly understand.

The Lord also showed me that He has to deal/work with
all of His people. When He sees us, He doesn't see
us with all that sinfulness on us. He is the
one doing the good works, and so if anything
is accomplished in the kingdom, it is ALL HIS
DOING. We shouldn't be looking at others because
of their good works, or look at ourselves to
see where we measure up. Anything worthwhile
will be done by Him, and why should we glory
in what He has done? We only must be
willing and obedient.

When I looked at myself and others through
this understanding, then I could see how the
Lord loves me (and everyone else) as individuals.
Look at yourself, take away the sin, take away
His good works, and that's the YOU He loves.

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